Grieving Your Anger Part 2: Anger and Shame
Welcome back! Remember our context, after divorce or separation, we are trying to get our emotions under control so that our children don’t feel our negativity toward the ex-spouse. Short of abuse, children deserve a strong relationship with each parent. While there are times when relational communication is strained and there may not be much of a relationship, the parent’s individual role is to not cast negativity on the relationship with the other parent. But this is hard when we have been the one hurt in the process.
Last time we dug deeply into the state of shock and denial. Remember these feelings don’t necessarily come in rigid order, so we must recognize them and give ourselves permission to feel them. Easily anger is going to be prominent in the grieving process. Look at each expectation you came up with in the last blog. There could be expectations of yourself, of others (aka. spouse) and in a spiritual sense, expectations of God. In your journal it will be helpful to list each expectation out as you connect with it. Then for this exercise open your mind, that is, give yourself permission to feel the anger connected to it. Each feeling in the grieving process is a step closer to peace and calm.
The trick with this exercise is to allow yourself in solitude to fully feel the anger. This is not a time to block yourself for any reason from feeling. This is not a time for “I shouldn’t.” Religious Christianity and the Nicene Creed tend to work against this process. Some of us growing up were taught to confess that we have sinned in thought, word and deed. Therefore many, especially with anger will stop themselves saying “I shouldn’t feel anger, that is a sin.” Jesus reminds us that our actions are important. In Matthew 15:18 we the focus on words: “But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this defiles a person.” (ESV) And this is what we are talking about here. Putting words to your anger and venting within earshot of your child is what harms. Giving full voice to your anger in solitude in a journal and working through that is not harmful to your children. It is much closer to loving yourself, your children and spouse and finally if you invite God into the process, it fully lives out the Greatest Blessing of loving God and neighbor as yourself.
Remember “neighbor” in Luke 10:29-37? The Samaritan was hated by Jews and yet he took care of the Jew left for dead at the side of the road. An ex-spouse challenges us in the same manner. Containing your anger for the sake of your child(ren) and your spouse is a gift you store up in heaven.
Remember that sense of “shouldn’t”? That right there is shame. Right here and now I want you to hear something. Our feelings are linked to our authentic self. One of the most intimate ways shame plays a role in our lives is this habit we have of judging our feelings and trying to stop them. This is the one of the causes of depression. To fight this, you need to see that every feeling you have is normal and should be celebrated as it is linked to some way that you have survived in the past. I need to repeat this ever feeling you have is normal. When we practice exposing our feelings to Our Father in our journal (or solitude), we are finally and again being naked with Him in the garden. This was the time before shame, before Adam and Eve (Humanity and Life) felt the need to hide from God. It was only after they made their own choice in opposition to God that they knew the feeling. Choosing to be authentic in front of the father helps us take steps closer to Him again. Remember Jesus is with us too!
When we make full use of our time in solitude with God to be authentic and share our feelings and ask for God’s help delaying any action until we find the right balance of loving God and neighbor as ourselves with God, we are not sinning, we are planning wisdom with God. Remember feelings felt fully in the presence of God before we act them out in word or deed is ok. Even if we let actions slip, we know God’s love for us is rooted first in His mysterious love for us without behavior. We simply are loved by Him. All He asks is that if we stray from His path we keep wanting to come back and that we don’t allow shame to keep us away from Him.
As we allow ourselves to feel the anger connected to each of our expectations, He is with us. For a very good anchor to scripture here, watch the Job wisdom video from BibleProject.com. Keep watching to the very end. Since we are in a grieving process, inviting Job into the mix reminds us that grief is central to our experience walking with God.
Next, we delve into sadness and loss.