Grieving Your Anger: Part 1 Shock, Denial and Naming your Expectations.
Separations happen in so many ways. There are many ways couples break up. The spectrum ranges from years of contemplation that the marriage is over but invest in the long-term tough it out strategy to finding out of the blue, that your partner is done or worse already moved on. You may be the one who decided that it is time for a divorce and worry that your community will look down on you or abandon you. This is all overwhelming to an adult, but what about children?
There are several reasons why children are even more overwhelmed. They don’t have the lifetime perspective to draw from to process the situation. Many have absolutely no sense of grieving and just get swept up in “moving right along” and going with it. Some have a temperament that helps them cope, but it is not wise to simply assume the kids are fine. Consistent with current models of Psychological First Aid, the best posture to adopt is skeptical observation with a focus on building new routines, have fun and keep communication open.
Blogger note: Did I just get blown off course from my theme? We are supposed to be talking about the first aspect of grief for parents. However, I need to weave a thread in the tapestry where you as a parent realize we are not just talking about your grief. Your children need to have space for their own grief, and you are their shepherd. This means as we look at your grief, you are wise to think of this as a skill that you impart to your children. In medicine we say “see one, do one, teach one.” Grief is a skill that is taught and caught. If this is an overwhelming thought and you are not ready for it, don’t worry. First, this is normal and not a reason to feel inadequate or shame. It is simply a time to consider a trusted adult be involved in the process. This could be a therapist or levelheaded relative. The best adult is truly neutral emotionally and able to present both parents in a positive or understanding light; an adult that can remain curious rather than judgmental. Now back to shock and denial.
When we think of traumatic experiences, earthquake events or whatever word you think of when life changes in a way that feels like destruction rather than creation, it is normal to be in shock. This ties back to expectations. When we suddenly experience a major event that we did not expect, it stops our emotional machinery. Whether you are a parent deeply committed to marriage, who over time decides (Hopefully with lots of prayer time with God) that the marriage needs to come to an end, or were just blindsided by your spouse with a sudden delivery of divorce papers, at some level you didn’t expect to be where you are.
To understand shock, think about a battlefield. If your buddy got shot. You can grab the body if you can and pull him to safety. Shock helps us cope in the moment. Shock should be celebrated as a defense mechanism, not thought of after the fact as a shameful behavior. On the battlefield once you get to safety you can begin to process things better and mourn properly the loss of your comrade.
Divorces are like battlefields that do not end for long periods of time. And this poses a special challenge. With the life circumstances surrounding divorce, with kids’ activities, emotional needs, lawyers, ex’s etc…you cannot get to safety and allow the mourning of the marriage investment to happen. What is the answer?
Scripture talks about regular sabbath keeping. There is more and more science behind the intentional ceasing of work paired with resting and delighting. So if you feel like life has been on fast forward for as long as you can remember chances you are in shock and denial. If this is you, right here and right now look at your schedule and find 3-4 hours where the kids are taken care of and your calendar is open. This may take a little planning, but it is worth it. Think of everything that takes effort and feels like it dehumanizes you and give yourself 3-4 hours of space away from these things.
Next is delight. Here, think of anything that feels like a gift from God, nature walk, reading a good book, taking a nap…. The important thing is to intentionally create space for just you and hopefully you feel safe enough with God to invite him in. If even Bible reading seems like work, that does not need to be part of this.
Once you take a breath in this Sabbath space, I recommend grabbing a journal. It is time to name what expectation you are grieving. Here are some to consider, but this is all you. Start with “I expected____.” I expected to be married for life. I expected God to step in and help us. I expected to avoid divorce because I remember how tough it was for me. I never expected my spouse would have an affair. I expected all my work and effort would pay off. The list goes on and on. The number of expectations is limitless. There is power in simply granting yourself permission to allow those concepts to come to your conscious awareness. Once you start the process, new concepts may hit you at unexpected times. This is why having a journal on hand to write them down is important. We will build on these expectations as we move through the grieving process. But for now try to categorize each expectation into the three relationships: Self, God and Other.
More to come on anger and shame.