Grief to resolve anger
If you caught the last blog, we talked about a pretty unique situation that divorced children and families need to face: open parental hostility/negativity hurts children and both parents in the short and long term. This is clearly dealt with (i.e. prohibited) in the Divorced Children’s Bill of Rights. But what is a parent to do? Feelings are feelings right? 90% of communication is non-verbal so your feelings about your ex are going to show, what can be done about it?
First, if you are at all concerned about this, kudos to you! The simple fact that you are willing to walk this road shows a posture of concern and awareness for the hearts of your kids and those around you. Stephen Covey noted this as interdependence, the ability to work cooperatively with others and to share emotional bonds within healthy boundaries. The ancient Hebrews called this “anah” or a posture of submission. It is a military term used to describe being conquered, but in this use, it is a choice to put yourself in that posture for another. Covey also described win-win thinking and this is the aspect of wanting and being able to understand a “win” for another.
Back to the task at hand. Am I saying that you need to stuff the negative feelings about your ex. No! While “stuffing” may be needed for a very short time say to jolly your kids along in a brief interaction, you are wise to take time in solitude or in TRUSTED community to process your emotions. Do NOT stuff your emotions chronically, it is terrible for your health. One perspective might help is that parents are always teaching their children, and that means teaching them the skill of getting over heartbreak or loss. Put simply we/parents need to teach children to grieve.
Whether you are the parent who filed for divorce, or the one who was filed upon there are aspects that must be grieved: loss of future, realized time was wasted, hurt etc…. While grief is not the orderly process that Elizabeth Kubler Ross once described. The waypoints on the path are pretty well defined: Shock, Anger, Sadness, Questioning/Bargaining, and Acceptance. At LPC we make sure to add two stages, Naming the Loss, and Growth in Strength and Wisdom. We will summarize each here and then spend the next several blogs on each stage. I will review the biblically based pattern that helps us grieve so that we can live this lesson for our children and decrease the time spent stuck in negative thinking patterns.
Before we dive in, I want to point out a hopeful perspective. Grief is a process that ends. While the memory of the loss will stay for a lifetime, grieving helps with the emotional connection to the loss as we live out the rest of our lives. Also, as I alluded to, not only does grief end, we become stronger and wiser when we grieve well. With these two thoughts in mind, let’s look at an overview of the process.
It is helpful to see grief as a relational process and the three basic relationship types we have are laid out in Mark 12:29-31. In the Greatest Blessings we see self, God and other define our basic relationships. If we look deeply into the concept of shalom, we also see the created world become a character. Therefore we as we grieve, we must check in with our relationships to self, to others, to God, and to the created world. Lastly when it comes to these relationships, often there is a sense that one or more have become unsafe and what we are trying to process is some aspect of feeling unsafe in the new reality.
First, Name Your Grief. When we experience a big event that shakes things up in our lives, many call this an Earthquake Event, we should expect strong emotions. It is very helpful to be as specific as possible in naming all aspects of our feelings. See the box below. In which relationship(s) do you feel safe and unsafe after the earthquake event. Further, if the category is “other” write specifically who you feel unsafe about. Further journal what about them is unsafe. “They betrayed me. I can’t trust them because…. They don’t have my back anymore.”
The next emotional state to check in about is Shock or Denial. This aspect of grief feels either like “I’m OK.” Or “I should just keep going.” People only feel ok AFTER they have gone through the hard emotions. If you find yourself thinking that you are fine and haven’t been emotional, then you are very good at operating while you are in shock. There no morality question here. If you are hurt on the battlefield, you need to push through to get to safety, shock is how we do that. It is good for a short time, but it is not beneficial for long-term health.
The next “fight or flight” feeling we may have is Anger. When an expectation, like married until death do you part, is destroyed, it is natural and healthy to be angry. The biggest thing to try to remember is to not hurt others when you are angry. Anger goes along with adrenaline and may help us take action and find safety. But when we are irritable, agitated we don’t sleep and relax and of course we cannot stay in this state for long. If we express anger toward the other spouse and our kids feel it, this anger is quite damaging.
On the opposite end, our physiology may find itself in a hyper-para-sympathetic mode. Here we feel Sadness. Crying tears of sadness is a social signal to others that we need help and support. When we hold back tears, we prolong things. As soon as you can, find intentional space to allow the sadness at the lost expectations wash over you.
Next in the parasympathetic realm, we ask the question “Why?” In Questioning/Bargaining we are trying to gain back control through use of left-brained analysis. Here we see the first seeds of the growth and wisdom show up. Earthquake events, while very difficult, can teach us many lessons. Remembering our relationships is helpful. Who are you asking questions to? God or yourself? And/or do you have questions for the ex-spouse?
Eventually we come to a place of Acceptance. If we are not careful though, we might find ourselves stuck in Bitter Acceptance. This chronic form of anger is very unhealthy. True acceptance is seeing the current new reality without uncontrollable or overwhelming emotions.
For a full recovery we must see the sunrise. Here we see Growth in Strength and Wisdom. We are safe in ourselves. We feel safe with God and are ready to be safe with others. In short, we are ready for loving community again. We are wiser about our needs and expectations when it comes to intimacy and may even have a better filter when choosing to spend time with others. The earthquake event is in the past and doesn’t hold emotional power over us anymore.
Wouldn’t teaching a child how this process works be a powerful shared experience? How would it benefit you? How might it benefit them? Remember to consider how your feelings might impact their relationship with your ex. For many, co-parenting comes more easily, but for many the negativity is so strong it makes working together hard. If you find yourself in this category, you need to do the hard work of grieving to help your children. Easier said than done I know. That is why LPC is here to help!
Join us as we focus on each checkpoint of the grieving process in upcoming blogs.