My New Heart
I’ll begin this story at a round table discussion with a marriage group I am attending with my wife. We will celebrate our 25th anniversary next year. We are not in trouble, but 8 years ago we were. The struggle to find happiness in a marriage makes up part of with Little Pieces Club has to offer. I understand marriage toxicity or hell. I also know the journey out….We started the Reengage marriage course to enhance our solid marriage, but I was thrown this week.
The leader, a friend named Dale, talked about an exercise they did the previous week. You were to invite your spouse to speak a particularly kind affirmation and you were not allowed to dodge, drop your eyes or in any way minimize the effort. As he said this I felt the twinge of anxiety about to build. I had just shared that one of my issues is not sticking up for myself an he must have picked up on the self worth that it reflected, or really didn’t. But suddenly he looked at me and said “you are worthy.”
There it was. And then tears began to flow. As a pretty emotionally connected person a simple complement wrecked me. Tears silently streamed down my cheeks and they wouldn’t stop. I had to find a Kleenex. What the heck? I thought I was over all this.
As a small child who went through divorce, I had settled on the thought long ago that I caused it. The funny thing about this is kids from divorce and adversity and abuse can share this thought. I once read about an adult woman who spoke about being too pretty for her daddy before he raped her. This responsibility that children feel quickly turns to shame. For me I expressed this shame as good works. I behaved and crossed t’s and dotted I’s, thinking staying on the straight and narrow would make up for my terrible deed. All the while I knew I was ‘bad.” Others express this as rage. I secretly tried to protect people from myself, if they got too close, I would slink away. It is one of the reasons I tried to push my wife away when we were dating. (That is a post for another time…look for The Sleeper Effect)
But here I was, wrecked by a complement, it slipped in when I least expected it. “I was worthy.” Why tears, why a mix of joy and fear? Part of me was dying to hear that I matter, that I am good. But another part of me knew how dangerous I was as a divorce causing 5-year-old.
I spent the next morning in prayer with God working this all out. I spend a lot of time on grief, but this is different. I had a heart filled with shame. How did this impact my marriage? I met expressions of love subtly with quiet dismissals. I had missed out on so many years of fuller love and beauty, and frustrated my wife at the same time. Then when my daughter sat down next to me I could see that I had not fully loved her, how could I? I was too busy protecting her from myself and my occasional righteous angry outbursts that were too much.
What had happened in my prayer session? I saw the choice we all have. In a vision of soil I saw two seeds. One dried up and rotten, the Seed of Shame. It would never become the Tree of Life. The other seed, green and plump and ready to burst, it will become a Tree of Life. The green one was placed on the soil by hands of light. The Good News? We get to choose!
As a child I had quickly concluded my heart had a seed of shame, but now as an adult, Dale spoke to me in the Spirit and I saw that, if I wanted to, I could choose the gift of God’s seed. It meant that I would no longer desire to hide the world from my darkness and badness. But that deep down, my identity was beautifully created by God the Father. I have and would make mistakes, but He is my Good Shepherd whom I trust and will lead me on paths of righteousness and love, and I would continue to become a Tree of Life
What type of seed is laying in the soil of your heart? Which seed will help you build a loving family? Which seed will help you apologize when you need to. Which seed gives you the strength to endure toxicity? When you are hearing how terrible you are, which seed reminds you of how beautiful you are? You are image bearer of the living God, a sheep on their way to being a shepherd and Tree of Life.
Which seed do you choose?