How do Divorce and Separation Impact Children?
I assume that most parents have a general sense that separating is a stress on children. We will spend time bringing that sense into sharp focus in as gentle a fashion as possible because I know it will hurt. If any of this sounds new, don’t worry. A few years ago I stood in front of over a hundred pediatric medical providers and not one of them knew the impacts of divorce on children.
We will start here: many kids harbor feelings that they caused the divorce. Also, compared to children from intact families, the health consequences of divorce center around depression, anxiety, and behavioral problems during the teenage years and beget relationship struggles in adult life. (1,2) If you want to read what some children say after they grow up, read the book Primal Loss: The Now Adult Children of Divorce Speak by Leila Miller. You will hear many stories of pain, loss, and sadness that extend for decades. Some stories even include abortions. My parents were civil and even showed concern for each other, meaning I had it pretty good as divorce situations go. But I still struggled a lot. Knowing there are children out there who have faced much worse than I did motivates my work with children and parents. Also, knowing what I do, I believe we are raising a generation that fears family because of what they saw growing up.
The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) classifies divorce or separation as an Adverse Childhood Experience, or ACE.(3) Research on ACEs reveal that as the number and/or severity increases, ACEs seriously impact health and longevity. The stress of ACEs target the brain’s hardwiring, leading to impulsive, poor, and risky life choices. Bad health outcomes not only stem from bad choices, but the WAY over-stimulated stress response starts a cascade of events that leads to physical ailments like stroke, heart disease, diabetes, worsening asthma and more. (4) Further study of divorce as a trauma reveals that it is unique in how variable it can be. Simply put, parents might be able to make divorce less of an ACE, but it takes extraordinary effort, and typically requires both parents to work with a professional. They must grieve the dead marriage and embrace an unknown future with a loving God.
Clearly, for parents, there are best practices that, when properly implemented, lessen the impact of divorce. It is still a source of debate as to whether the effects of divorce can be fully reversed. I believe, however, that if you look honestly at the context of a life from childhood to adulthood, it is nearly impossible to fully reverse the effects of divorce. It isn’t shocking to accept that the death of a beloved grandparent sends ripples into adult life. Why would divorce (the death of a relationship) impact us less than that, especially when conflict and bitterness can extend for years? I hope it helps to know that even children from intact families grow up with issues that cause them problems as adults. We just happen to know an awful lot about the effects of divorce.
To help your children as much as possible, former spouses should strive for a low- conflict, business-like relationship, with positive regard for each other. They should also follow the Children’s Bill of Rights in Divorce.(5) This Bill of Rights declares that children have:
• The right to be treated as important human beings, with unique feelings, ideas, and desires, and not as a source of argument between parents.
• The right to a continuing relationship with both parents and the freedom to receive love from and express love for both.
• The right to express love and affection for each parent without having to stifle that love because of fear of disapproval by the other parent.
• The right to know that their parents’ decision to divorce/separate is not their responsibility and that they will continue to be loved by both parents.
• The right to continuing care and guidance from both parents.
• The right to honest answers to questions about the changing family relationships.
• The right to know and appreciate what is good in each parent without one parent degrading the other.
• The right to have a relaxed, secure relationship with both parents without being placed in a position to manipulate one parent against the other.
• The right to have both parents not undermine the other parent’s time with the children by suggesting tempting alternatives or by threatening to withhold parental contact as a punishment for the children’s wrongdoing.
• The right to experience regular and consistent contact with both parents and to be protected from parental disputes or disagreements.
The hard and sobering question I have, as a child of divorce myself, is this: How often are all of these conditions met? I feel many proponents of best practices extol the benefits of such a positive co-parenting relationship, but deny how rarely they actually occur. I fear these best practices do not reach scores of children who go on to struggle with relationships, depression, and substance abuse.
How do I know? I often meet children in my ministry whose parents are missing the mark. Kids in the past have told stories about parents fighting over issues, but using the kids’ names during the arguments, and the kids interpret this to mean that they caused the divorce. Parents have told kids that their bad behavior is the reason for the divorce. Fathers move away and physically do not see their children. We need to be careful not to wholly demonize the men here. I mentor fathers who desire to be with their children, but their ex-wives are expert at social bullying and create father bashing zones that make it difficult for kids and dads to connect. Nevertheless, when these fathers find new loves and start new families it can devastate the children of earlier marriages. This leaves lasting bitterness and hurt and makes the teenage years more difficult. Kids also get a variety of gender messages from parents, which makes identity formation in the teenage years more difficult. In my life, my mom and sister talked so negatively about my dad for a few years that I was confused about my masculinity. As a male, I grew up reflecting their negativity toward men, plus being angry about how they (women) treated me. I hated maleness and was deeply bitter about women. I am sure I am not alone and therefore I am sure this impacts our society. A close colleague, a psychologist, once remarked that virtually all the children who come to his clinic are from divorced or broken homes.
On the bright side, I see parents who acknowledge the pain. These parents bring their kids to LPC, which gives them a safe, comfortable place to learn about God, designed especially for them. These parents understand. I felt moved to write this for the many parents and family members who understand how much their kids hurt and want to do something about it.
As children try to “matter,” they connect themselves to worldly ways to belong: Bad peer groups, sex, drugs, internet/social media addictions, you name it. The drive to “matter” is very strong. If not connected to God and loving parents, predictable negative outcomes happen. Girls, in particular, wrestle with sex and drugs to fill the void. Some, as Primal Loss point out, have abortions. I believe these children never get a chance to grieve the death of the parental relationship. They don’t even know they should and are rarely given the emotional safe space to do so.
It can take between two and three years for parents’ raw emotions to settle to the point where the Bill of Rights even seems doable.(6) Instead of grieving, children sometimes suffer tremendous damage during these years. Lingering negativity cannot be hidden forever; children see and hear tone and body language, even when the parents think they are hiding their feelings. I think it is reasonable, thinking about the whole person across the span of decades, to say that divorce is tough on children and the effects can reach far into adulthood.
Citations:
George J. Cohen, MD, FAAP, Carol C. Weitzman, MD, FAAP, COMMITTEE ON PSYCHOSOCIAL ASPECTS OF CHILD AND FAMILY HEALTH, SECTION ON DEVELOPMENTAL AND BEHAVIORAL PEDIATRICS Helping Children and Families Deal With Divorce and Separation. PEDIATRICS Volume 138, number 6D, Downloaded from http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/ by guest access on January 18, 2018
Wallerstein JS, Lewis JM, Blakeslee S. The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25-year Landmark Study. Epub Edition August 2010 ISBN978-0-786-87073-8 (Synopsis of book)
ACEs https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/acestudy/about_ace.html downloaded 1-23-19 @ 11:54
Burke-Harris, N The Deepest Well: Healing the Long-Term Effects of Childhood Adversity. Mariner Books Houghton Mifflin Harcourt New York, New York 2019. p210.
(https://www.oakgov.com/courts/foc/Documents/smile_handbook.pdf Downloaded 2-8-19 at 12:20pm https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/divorced-children/201009/childrens-bill-rights-in-divorce)
Pedro-Carroll J. Putting Children First: Proven Parenting Strategies for Helping Children Thrive Through Divorce. Penguin Group. 2010 pp 10-11